Googlers are to Why It Matters as Sunday drivers are to garage sales. Both are cruising along hoping to find an Eames chair or a lightly used Hitachi magic wand or whatever. They think they catch a glimpse from the street, so they park and approach. Inevitably they are disappointed when they see the pile of crap they mistook for treasure, load up, and move on.
Here are some more treasures that Googlers have searched for in my boxes of detritus:
“Skin Tag Nipple”: The often forgotten original bassist for Throbbing Gristle or medical condition? You decide.
“Thank You For Getting Me“: You’re welcome! But honestly? I really don’t understand your fondness for Affliction tee shirts.
“Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Have To Shave Their Pussy”: I contacted the public relations department for the Cowboys and have confirmed that this is true — The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders share a single vagina.
“Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Shows Her Vagina On Kick”: This is particularly challenging considering the collective nature of said vagina. How do they coordinate their many legs to pull off this Britney trick? It’s sort of a conjoined Rockettes kind of thing.
“How To Determine Your Favorite Color”: 1) Find many colors. 2) Pick the one you like best. 3) Repeat as needed. You’re welcome.
“Do Whites Like Ranchera Music?”: Do they! If you really want to make your white people party pop, load up on Ranchera music, menudo, and those traditional Chinese candies that taste like butt. White. People. Heaven.
“What Is Good For Deep Cuts”: A hospital. Why are you bleeding all over your keyboard?
“Tommy Shaw Has Herpes”: Herpes is no laughing matter. I wouldn’t even begin to speculate on whether this is true and if so where the Styx guitarist may have acquired the virus. I have no punchline for this.
“Tommy Shaw and Godzilla”: Oh, there’s the punchline.
“How Much Is A Welcome Back Kotter Record Player”: How would I know? Are you suggesting that I’m some sort of geek who has a room full of horrible ’70s kitsch and hasn’t had sex with a real girl in recent memory? How dare you. (About $75.00 retail.)
“Ann Wilson Kissing Ted Nugent”: This is the seventh sign of the Apocalypse. You have been warned.
I hope that this has been of some assistance, and happy Googling.
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Related Why It Matters pieces: https://jamesostafford.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/answers-to-google-searches/
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