Last week we covered the Leave Me Alone (Lemelo) Party’s position on regulation. If legislation results in us being hassled less, we’re all for it.
That seems simple enough, right? We pride ourselves on being a free country, and some of us make a tremendous amount of noise about wanting government out of our lives.
So what’s with all of this lifestyle/morality legislation that professional gum flappers insist will protect the American way of life? The Lemeloes aren’t buying that shit. Here are a couple of examples:
Gay Marriage: I’m not gay, though I have seen A Chorus Line performed twice and Tori Amos just randomly popped up on my iPod. (I don’t know how she got there. Really.) However, I’ve been hit on by gay men several times. It’s a lot like what I’ve always imagined being hit on by a woman might feel like: a bit awkward and flattering followed by a quick determination that I’m not interested, a polite “no thank you,” and then we go our separate ways.
Did you see the part where my strongly held moral convictions are challenged? What about the part where my children are endangered or somebody wants to marry a dog? You didn’t? That’s because they aren’t there. The field agents from Big Gay let me know they’re interested and then leave me alone when I say no thanks.
But you anti-gay marriage assholes just won’t shut up. It’s not enough for you to disagree, you won’t stop until the rest of us agree with you. You are the Stepford Heterosexuals.
The fundamental nature of a free society is the free part. It’s what we in the business call an “adjective,” a word that modifies a noun (in this case “society”). The phrase isn’t “Bob’s society” or “straight people’s society” or “uptight white people society” — it’s free society. Provided an action is not harmful to others, there is no reason it should be illegal. Are you really concerned that Big Gay and their gay marriage agenda is going to be the end of your marriage? The problem isn’t that the institution of marriage is being assaulted, it’s that you are afraid your wife is going to find out that you want to suck a cock.
Drugs: I’m pro-legalization but I don’t partake. I don’t care if you want to burn one and listen to Phish. I’m more offended that you want to listen to Phish than I am that you want to get high. Again, if it isn’t harmful to others have at it.
Now, I know where you are going. You have some personal history with a strung out relative who traded your Beanie Babies for some rock. Theft is a crime — the little bastard should be punished. And so should you, for collecting Beanie Babies. Drugs shouldn’t be the prosecutable part of your anecdote, theft should. See the difference?
I’m both shocked and amused that the people who scream the loudest about getting government out of our lives are the ones who want to legislate morality. Make up your minds: Do you want to be left alone or don’t you?
Next week: The Lemeloes meet their evil nemesis — THE SOLICITORS! Who will win? Who will lose? The fate of the nation hangs in the balance! Until then, join me on Twitter at #Lemelo and air your Leave Me Alone grievances.