Here’s the scenario: You’re on a cross country trip when your car breaks down. You reach for your cell phone to call AAA, but the battery is dead. After some compulsory cussing, you start walking.
An hour later the highway turns into the Main Street of a small mountain town. You step into the first open business, a bar, and take a seat. “Can I get a glass of water, please?”
“What happened to you, buddy?” the bartender asks.
“Car broke down a few miles up the road and my phone is dead.”
“Damned Chinese crap,” he says. “Damned straight this there American phone never breaks down,” and he slams an ancient rotary phone onto the bar.
“Does that thing still work?” you ask.
“Damned straight.”
“Can I just make a quick call? I’ll pay for it.”
“Oh, you’ll pay for it all right,” the bartender says. “Follow me.”
He leads you to a back room where an obese nude man is playing Yahtzee with Barry Manilow. “What are you doing here?” you ask.
“Car broke down,” Manilow says, and that’s when you notice the grizzly bear grooming itself in the corner.
“When? I didn’t see another car on the highway,” you say.
“That’s enough out of you, Copacabana,” the bartender says, and he shoots Manilow a look.
Barry shakes the dice cup and dumps its contents onto the table: A pair of twos, a four, a one, and a six. “Shit,” Manilow says, and the bear snorts.
“Look, you want to use my phone, you got to make a choice. You ain’t dialing a single number until you wrestle Naked Andy, American Bandstand over here, or the grizzly,” the bartender says.
“I don’t want to wrestle any of them,” you say.
“Up to you,” the bartender says. “But think about it: When was the last time you saw Manilow?”
So there it is. In order to get out of this podunk town, you’re going to have to wrestle a bear, a bare naked dude, or Barry Manilow. Make your choice and defend it in the comments section below, and come on people, Let’s make Laura B. proud.
(Click photos for attribution)
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