Why It Matters

Ten mandatory requirements for the Baby New Year.

With perhaps exception to Bond villains, we seem to universally agree that 2016 was a bad year. From celebrity deaths to geopolitical upheaval to the emergence of a trailer for a new Vin Diesel XXX movie, the new millennium’s sweet 16 was a bust.

We experienced our personal challenges, too, or at least I did. Perhaps you sailed through 2016 without a scratch, but by December 31 I felt like Ben Carson after a vigorous spin class. I’m in no mood to enumerate my beefs with ’16, but I have them. Oh, I have them.

So I’m putting you on notice, 2017: I’m not taking any of your shit. No shenanigans. No guff, monkey shines, or balderdash. The following list of rules will be followed to the letter, so listen up, Baby New Year.

1. No Personal Loss. Your predecessor took both my uncle and my mother in a span of just a couple weeks. That’s enough–don’t be greedy. Keep your tiny, Trumpian mitts off of my father, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncle, cousins and friends. And don’t even look at my children, got it?

2. Stay Away From My Childhood. Last year nabbed Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen, Ali, and two Star Wars actors. At this rate my childhood will be erased before the end of the decade. Listen, I get that people have to die, though, so I’m offering the following list of substitutions:

• You can have Tina Louise, but stay away from Dawn Wells.
• Need a classic rocker? Alice Cooper is off limits but the Nuge is all yours. Uncle Ted’s career has been dead for years anyway.
• No to Fonzie, yes to Spike.

And I get that you’re probably going to take Burt Reynolds. I don’t like it, but I get it. Hands off Sally Field, though. If I can’t have the Bandit, Snowman, or Buford T. Justice, at least leave me Frog.

3. No International Incidents That Can’t Be Solved With Dance Battles. I know this is a tall order, but between Brexit, Syria, Trump, and the rise of Neo-Fascism throughout Europe, we need a break. Let us catch our collective breath, would you? Let 2018 blow up the world.

4. Climate Change Works In My Favor. Just one drought-free year, that’s all I ask. I want to experience the thrill of flushing a toilet or washing a car.

5. There Shall Be No More Watery Discharge From Ketchup and Mustard Squeeze Bottles. This is non-negotiable.

6. The 2017 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees Will Actually Play Rock and Roll. Or you can change that esteemed institution’s name to the Popular Music Hall of Fame, your call. It’s not the inductees that bother me, it’s the name on the door. There’s a reason that Wayne Gretzky isn’t in the Baseball Hall of Fame, and it isn’t that the MLB hates hockey players.

7. Apple Cannot Release Any “Game Changer” Products That are Really Just the Same Crud In A New Package With Less Features and A Higher Price. See also: Microsoft, just stop already. You’re embarrassing yourself.

8. Taco Tuesday Isn’t Just A Good Idea, It’s the Law. Some of us were really looking forward to those promised taco trucks on every corner. You owe us, 2017. Do what’s right and institute common sense taco regulations.

9. Social Media Trolls and Fake Newsmongers Shall Be Given the Weird Science “Chet” Treatment. I don’t mean this figuratively, 2017. I want you to turn those sumbitches into literal human piles of shit. And don’t let the presidential seal stop you. Do what you gotta do.

10. At Least One Major Movie Studio Must Release Films For Grownups. No superhero movies. Nothing featuring a shirtless Channing or Zac. No sequels. Just actual characters engaged in actual conflict that actually resolves. Or doesn’t. Grownups can handle ambiguity in art.

I know you have a job to do, Baby New Year, but I’m tired. I need a little break. Do these few things for me and I tell you what: You can give Jared From Subway a toxic combination of Pop Rocks and Coke. In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and do that anyway? Thanks.