Okay, the presents are opened, the pudding has been adequately figgied, and now you’re ready to start thinking about your 2014 goals. Whatever you choose, there’s no need to waste a whole year on your resolution. If movies have taught me anything it’s that transformation only takes the length of a good montage song.
Pick a goal, pick your montage song, and let’s do this thing:
Resolution: Learn to Dance
You’re going to need Deniece Williams’ “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” to meet your goal. You’re also going to need cowboy boots and Kevin Bacon.
Resolution: Work Out Your Anger While Driving a Lambo
If sometime during the last year your nemesis turned best friend was killed by a Russian superman, you’re going to need to spend some time driving fast and emoting. Robert Tepper’s “No Easy Way Out” should do the trick.
[Note: If you’d rather punch dance your anger out, stick with Footloose.]
Resolution: Win a Tournament
There’s only one possibility here: Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best Around.” You’re the best, Daniel! Sweep the leg!
Resolution: Build a Mighty Empire
Hopefully yours will be a legal empire, but hey, I don’t judge. The important thing here, according to Paul Engemann, is that you Push it to the Limit (Limit!).
Resolution: Take Out the Opposition
That weasel down in accounting has been grinding on you long enough. Time to rent a box of bees and cut the brake lines on his Bentley. What the hell is an accountant doing with a Bentley, anyway? The Who’s “A Quick One While He’s Away” is what you’re going to need.
Resolution: Paint Your Masterpiece
You’re so damned artistic that one song isn’t going to cut it: Your montage needs a music montage. Aside from the artists whose names you hear announced during this clip, you’ll also note Miles Davis and Grandmaster Flash.
Resolution: Update Your Wardrobe
Dr. John’s “New Looks” is right on the money, Rusty. Where’s your sister?
Resolution: Visit More Museums
If Ferris taught us anything, it’s that art is better viewed while listening to the Dream Academy’s cover of “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” by The Smiths. I’m pretty sure it will work in other museums, too, except maybe that one with Jesus riding a dinosaur.
Resolution: Single-Handedly Take Out a Dictator
An impressive and ambitious goal, but you know what you’re going to need? You’re gonna need a montage.
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