A Brief Glimpse Into the Morning of God


(I rarely look at old notes when writing Why It Matters stories for two reasons: 1) They aren’t very useful (or good); 2) I’m lazy. But I thought it might be fun to share something that I wrote during the time that I’m writing about, so I went hunting. This one was okay and seemed somewhat topical given yesterday’s holiday, so here you go — a short gag from 1990.)

God awoke early one morning and fixed Himself a cup of joe. He sat down at His kitchen table and thumbed through the morning paper. He took two teaspoons of sugar in His coffee and just a touch of milk.

Two drops of Visine, a little lip balm, and some pomade were all the chemicals He had on Him. He lit up an unfiltered Camel and settled down with the funnies. The coffee was too hot.

The cat puked Little Friskies all over His brand new rug. He dropped everything and cleaned up the mess before the smell set in.

He read Doonesbury and Peanuts, but He skipped Family Circus and Marmaduke.

The Lord just happened to catch sight of the stainless steel Timex that John Cameron Swayze gave Him a good fifteen years ago. It was still ticking. “Holy cow!” He exclaimed, and He bolted from the table. “I have to be everywhere in five minutes!”

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