Alekjds / Wikimedia Creative Commons

Flogging the dolphin. Beating the Bishop. Choking the chicken. Bopping the baloney. Don’t pretend you don’t do it.

The folks on Hee Haw used to sing “if it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all,” and for most of us if it weren’t for self abuse we’d have no love at all. The benefits of cleaning the pipes are myriad, from prostate health to better sleep to overall sanity. That shot of feel good chemicals that accompanies orgasm could put Big Pharma out of business, at least on the mood pill front.

Making the beast with one hand has long been a favorite topic of bands. Granted, sometimes somebody else is squeezing the lemon until the juice runs down the singer’s leg, but the song remains the same.

So here in no particular order are some songs about whacking it:

“Turning Japanese,” The Vapors: Let’s just go ahead and get this one out of the way. It’s hardly a deep cut, but we were all thinking it.

“She Bop,” Cyndi Lauper. The ladies get some representation finally!

“Pictures of Lily,” The Who. I love that this one slipped past the censors.

“Dancing With Myself,” Generation X. Yeah, you know it as a Billy Idol song but this is “Deep Cuts,” Goddammit, and it was a Generation X track first.

“Orgasm Addict,” Buzzcocks. “Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines / Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans.” Questions?

“Strokin’,” Clarence Carter. This came out while I was managing a Starship Records in Savannah. We couldn’t keep it in stock. Clarence is actually talking about his sexual technique, but absolutely nobody took the song that way. He be strokin’!

“My Ding-A-Ling,” Chuck Berry. The architect’s last hit. It was a surprise one, but never underestimate the power of a dirty lyric.

“Be My Girl (Sally),” The Police. If it’s fun alone, multiply the fun with a friend — even if she’s inflatable.

There you have it: eight songs about jerkin’ the gerkin. What did I miss? I’ll be listening after a quick nap.