Well, isn’t this election cycle noisy.
They all are, of course. Between promising us the world and scaring the hell out of us, political candidates can’t seem to shut up long enough to listen to what we actually want, which usually is pretty simple: leave me alone. If that resonates with you, you’re a member of the Lemelo party and you didn’t even know it, because we left you alone.
The Lemeloes have no meetings, no conventions, and no candidates. You can’t contribute to our Super Pac, nor can you subscribe to our newsletter. All of that would mean hassling you, and the Lemeloes believe that no attribute of the American experiment is more sacred than being left alone. So how do we get anything done? Well, when you aren’t being bugged with a bunch of annoying nonsense you can get quite a bit done.
Don’t misunderstand: Lemeloes are not Libertarians although we share some common ground. Unlike our better known brethren, we have a broader definition of regulations and government programs that protect our rights to be left alone. Also, we gladly pay our taxes in exchange for not being asked at the end of the year for more money, at which time we flip our shit because we’ve been giving you your allowance every two weeks for the last year, America. What did you do with it — waste it on bubblegum and shoelaces?
This all probably sounds a bit abstract, so let’s apply the Lemelo principles to some favorite topics of political candidates:
- War: Good God, y’all, what is it good for? Sometimes a lot. Hitler didn’t want to leave me alone. That’s a good war from a Lemelo point of view. Wars that have no apparent objective other than profiteering? Lemeloes aren’t supportive of those.
- Guns: Sure, enjoy your hunting rifle. Target shoot with your pistol. Protect your home with a nice shotgun. You deserve to be left alone with your perfectly legal firearms. However, kids deserve to be left alone in their schools, too. Movie patrons shouldn’t have to hold bulletproof popcorn bags. If someone can come up with legislation that protects the rest of us from getting caught in crossfire, the Lemeloes will heartily endorse it; well, we would if we weren’t busy being left alone.
- Religion: Absolutely. Pray your guts out. Dance with snakes. Meditate your way to bliss. Wear a funny hat. We support your right to be left alone to worship as you please. Now you need to return the favor. I don’t want to worship, so leave me alone. Deal?
- Environment: We’re big fleshy water bags who consume a lot of oxygen. There’s no getting around this. Brawndo is not a reasonable substitute. Rigging the game so that money is more important than water and air is not leaving me alone. It’s getting all up in my survival business.
- Police Overreach: Really, you need to ask? Excessive force, electronic surveillance, the complimentary handjobs in airport security — these are not examples of leaving me alone.
- Sexuality: We don’t care what anyone does, provided that we’re talking about mutually consenting adults. That’s it, that’s the bar. “So if my partner and I want to have sex in the middle of the grocery store you think that’s okay, perverts?” No, we don’t, unless somehow you can get the consent of every other adult in the store and ensure that no children are present, in which case grab a bag a frozen peas and go to town. We don’t care. Other people’s sexuality is none of our business.
- Minimum Wage: There are lots of jobs that need doing in America, and stacking the deck so that this guy can make millions by paying that guy pauper wages is not leaving people alone. Not that we have any problem with somebody making millions. Good for you, buddy, but if you’re doing it because shitty regulations allow you to exploit somebody else; well, you’re an asshole and so are the legislators who created the environment in which you can do that.
- Entitlement Programs: Here’s the thing: Some of us have been dealt some pretty bad cards. We get that. Lemeloes have no quarrel with chipping in to help folks out. Debating whether those people somehow deserve their bad cards is a violation of the basic Lemelo concept.
- Immigration: We were raised to believe that America welcomes the tired, the poor, and the huddled masses, and we still believe that. Making scapegoats out of fresh immigrants because you are a third/fourth/fifth/etc. generation immigrant A) Isn’t leaving them alone; and B) Makes you sound like an idiot. Humans are nomadic, deal with it.
There’s really not much here beyond what your mama taught you: Treat people decently. Mind your business. Don’t judge. Don’t eat your paste. We realize that geopolitics are significantly more complex than preschool platitudes, but the fundamental concepts scale up.
Thank you for your interest in our party. Don’t forget to close your door on the way out — I want to be left alone.