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We pick one day per year to say “thank you.” How screwed up is that? Maybe we should flip that equation. Perhaps we’d be better off if we committed 364 days to being grateful and one to being selfish jackasses. We’d need an origin story Jackass Day, the holiday formerly known as Thanksgiving, of course. In this version maybe the pilgrims show up empty handed at the big meal and talk about how the Amish are moving in and driving down home values. Miles Standish insists on picking chunks off the undercooked turkey and; well, let’s just say he pollutes the privy and blames it on somebody else.

Standish’s uncle, Todd,  arrives late and drunk, and he parks his wagon on top of somebody’s tent, which is where we get the tradition of linen tablecloths and centerpieces.

That first Thanksgiving-Now-Jackass-Day was such a disaster that the pilgrim women all vowed “not to polish thy hat buckles for a fortnight if you know what I mean,” but by the next day all was forgiven and everyone was back to demonstrating their gratitude regularly.

And that’s the true meaning of Jackass Day, Charlie Brown. Anyway, thank you songs:

“I Thank You,” Sam and Dave.

“Thank the Lord for the Night Time,” Neil Diamond.

“Thanks for the Night,” The Damned.

“Thank You Darling” (German Version), The Supremes.

“Thank You for the Love,” Mother’s Finest.

“Thank You Friends,” Big Star.

“Thank You, Lord, for Sending Me the F Train,” Mike Doughty.

“Thank You for Sending Me an Angel,” Talking Heads.

So there you go: eight songs of thanks. What did I miss? I’m listening.