“Ugly American,” Constantino Arias

Dear World, here’s the thing: Yes, American tourists are loud. We say “awesome” entirely too much, get in your personal space, and ask questions that are much too intimate for total strangers. We insist on tipping, and we dress like we’re either doing yard work or joining a circus. We treat our visits to your countries like visits to Hef’s mansion, and we chant “USA! USA!” for no apparent reason. American tourists can be real assholes.

But we’re actually really nice folks; well, most of us are, anyway. We say “awesome” entirely too much because compared to our shitty strip malls filled with Old Navy and Chili’s your country truly is awesome. We ask too many questions because we like and are genuinely interested in you. As for our wardrobes; honestly, we just can’t dress ourselves. I can’t defend that.

The good news is that we’re not armed while traveling. So there’s that.

Anyway, songs for ugly Americans:

“I’m Afraid Of Americans,” David Bowie.

“America Drinks and Goes Home,” Frank Zappa and the Mothers Of Invention.

“North American Scum,” LCD Soundsystem.

“Which Way To America?” Living Colour.

“The Streets Of America,” Bad Religion.

“Lost In America,” Alice Cooper.

“The Great American Nightmare,” Rob Zombie.

“Anti-American Graffitti,” J Dilla.

There you have it: Eight songs for the ugly American urging you to take a big, loud vacation. What did I miss? I’m listening.